Don't excuse yourself by saying,
"Look we didn't know."
For God understands all hearts, and He sees you.
He who guards your soul knows you knew.
He will repay all people as their actions deserve.
Proverbs 24:12

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

2 years home

It's been two years...

Since I've had a good night's rest.
                      He doesn't always sleep through the night.
Of being in super hyper vigilance mode.
                       He's a wanderer.
                        He's figured out how to open doors with knob covers on. :O
Where I've wondered if we made the right choice.
                       He didn't know life any other way.
Of questioning every single thing I know about parenting.
                       He's not a textbook case.  What child is?
Of questioning whether I heard God call us to adoption.
                       Adoption is H.A.R.D!! (I know- not really a news flash!)
                           They come with baggage.
Of questioning my sanity.
                        Many times, I thought I was losing it!!
Of wondering what in the world did I do to my family?
                      Life was good prior to bringing the youngest prince home.
Of being lonely because friends just don't get it.
                      It's easier to walk away from the hard than get in the messy.


It's been two years...

Of loving a child not born of my body but born in my heart.
                          learning what true unconditional love means.
Of learning to parent a special needs child that was never given a chance.
Of learning how to communicate with a child that is nonverbal.
                       There are differences in the grunt sounds.
                            He does speak and we do understand.
                        His eyes are the window to his soul.
                             I have seen fear standing there.
                             And sadness.
                              Help Me!!! has tapped on the window to get my attention.
                              Love has made an appearance.
Of dying to self more often than not.
Of therapies. IEP meetings.  ABA therapy. Countless doctor's appointments
Of finding the person behind the veil of neglect, malnutrition and medications.
                         He didn't know how to crawl (until he was 6).
                         He's learning how to jump.
                         He's learning to skip.
                         He can't swing without someone pushing him.
                              It's more fun that way anyway ;)
Of breaking through the fight or flight mode.
Of me finding my way through the hurts of this child to my own hurts
                      the things that bound us together without ever knowing each other.
                                 feelings of rejection, of not being enough, not meeting the expectations of others
                                      WE are enough.  Because Jesus is enough.
Of seeing God's hand on my family.
                      He never makes mistakes.
                      His promise is true: He places the lonely in families.
Of resting in the knowledge that tomorrow comes with new beginnings.
Of many nights crying myself to sleep.
                      Joy comes in the morning.
Of finding the laughter that abounds out of a sweet boy
                      As he finds his words.
                       As he finds his strength.
                        As he finds himself.

It's been two years...
   None of it has been easy.  Not all of it has been joyful.  But the journey has just begun.  Tomorrow maybe harder than today.  It may not.  My family and I may suffer from secondary PTSD.  We may not.  What I do know is this, today we celebrate two years home.  Today we celebrate my son laughing.  Skipping,  Trying to communicate.  Today we rejoice in a boy finding a family who loves him unconditionally.  He's precious.  He's strong.  He's moody.

He's a son.

My son.

Blessings and Hugs,


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