After being dismissed to go off to our break out sessions, I tried calling my hubby. Could not get through to him. So, I went and talked with Amy, Lorraine and Angel and asked if I could call them if I needed help once the conference was over. They all looked at me a bit crazy and said sure and asked if I was ok. All I could say was,"She's ours. God just spoke it to my heart very loud and clearly." They all laughed at me and said they knew the day before. I finally got to talk to my man and told him what I believed God to be saying to me and he was quiet but was agreeing. The rest of the weekend was a blur. I got to spend a little bit of time with my bf from highschool and her family before heading back home to mine.
In the coming months, we would run into some roadblocks as we were trying to adopt this sweet little girl. The door finally closed once we learned she was not available through some of her country's rules. We were devastated. Heartbroken. We would learn this on our 19th wedding anniversary. Happy anniversary to us. A few weeks later, we would find another sweet angel that we would inquire about as well. Again, the doors would close before they would even have a chance to fly open. That happened exactly a month to the day of learning that A was not available. It would be the week of Christmas. At this point, I became angry with God. Unsure if I had actually heard him at all. Unsure if adoption would ever be apart of our lives outside of supporting those who were adopting and advocating for those who needed to find a forever family. In February of 2011, we would consider one more little girl who has severe special needs. I remember crying and asking God to speak to us about her. I remember asking him some very specific questions and getting some answers. I remember saying to him,"Please, don't close this door if I step out in faith and say yes to her. I'm trying to trust you. Please, don't crush this heart one more time in this area." I called K up and said,"Let's do this." Within mere hours of saying this to him and talking with one of my besties, she would be calling and asking,"Is it you?! Did you commit to her? She's got a family!"
I remember standing there in my kitchen, trying not to cry while talking with her. But saying in my heart,"See God!! You did it again. Not only did you slam the door but did it so quickly. God, you are just like every other dad out there. You crush my hopes and dreams." I cried a bit and notified K that M had a family. In the end, we were both thankful because we would end up having to move a few months later. There would have been no way would have completed her adoption in such a short amount of time and our time constraints. The next year would be God dealing with me as I was still super angry with God about closing those doors. I didn't understand what he was doing nor why and to be honest, I really didn't want to.
By July, he would be talking to me about going to a place I swore I would never go. As K would start his schooling, I would be headed off to Ethiopia in October for 16 days. God was showing up like I had never seen in my life. He would provide every single penny needed in order for me to go. He would provide people to help bless my family in helping to care for our four kids. He would change my world view completely as I learned what it meant to be truly poor - financially and spiritually. We would once again put adoption on the back burner as we continued to pray for our girls but see what God was saying about where to go and do next. I was also learning to trust God in a whole new way. Asking him for forgiveness for being mad at him. Knowing it was all for my good and his glory. Our relationship was coming back around to a place that I had missed so desperately. I was being renewed in my mind and spirit and couldn't help but love him more each and every day.
Soon, I would be reminded of dreams I had years before of a child I didn't know. I would go to Ethiopia again in March, coming back being changed once again. Still continuing to hold hope that the girls would one day be available for adoption. Then one night, I had a dream. It was about this baby that I had had dreams of years prior and then months before. But it was different this time. This time it had the girls but they were one. In fact, the girls faces were morphed together. I didn't understand it. I asked for clarity and wasn't getting it. At least not then. Then one night, I chose to look at adoption lists again. Finding some of the sweetest faces. Showing them to my hubby once again. He would smile. Say they were cute but that was about it. Then I saw this face. I showed it to K. I asked him who this child reminded him of? He said,"Those are S's eyes." I agreed but there was something more. I left it alone. I would dream once again about this child. The next day, I showed our girls all of these kids faces. We oohed and ahhed. Then we came to this child again. I asked them what they thought. I told them daddy thought this sweet thing had S's eyes. Our Bella said,"And A's jaw line." In that moment, the child I dreamt about flashed in my mind. The one whose face was the morphed image of the girls. I was speechless. Amazed. Was God showing me the child he had for us all along? I mean, this child was born in the same month and year as our A. Same color eyes as our S. Same sweet jaw line as our A. And none of them would be fro the same region. Could it be?
to be continued...
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